Secret Squirrel here, the truth-teller. Well mostly true. Some of it anyway. It’s been a while since I’ve published as I’ve been recruiting some informers for my spy ring. What with all the new young blood around the club I thought it would only be right to increase the size of my network.
For a start I thought I should mention the big news in all the papers regarding the trophy winning coach who decided to call it a day as he thought he could transfer his top coaching skills from rugby into another sport. The sport in question has highly paid professional and foreign players who may not take kindly to being told what to do by a relative novice, but it’s well documented that he believes his management principles should be able to make the cross-over of sports. Now I know some of you will be thinking why is your favourite spying tree rodent regaling news of a national nature and what relevance does that have to our fine club? But I can exclusively reveal that the coach in question is not Sir Clive Woodward, but our own Wibsey favourite Corkey. It’s sadly true that Corkey has, I can reveal, been poached by the lure of a cushy “director of cricket “ role at Buttershaw St. Pauls C.C. One of my informers, sorry, truth liberators has raised the issue with me that he’d actually played cricket against Corkey many times down the years and said that Corkey was one of his all time favourite players. I took him to task on this saying surely the likes of Boycott, Gough and Vaughan must surely have brought him much more cricketing pleasure than Wibsey’s own answer to that other well known rugby/cricket player Liam Botham. But no, my source is adamant and said,
“Seeing Boycs’s 100th 100, Dazzler’s hat-trick or Captain Fantastic dispatching the Aussies to all parts of the ground is not in the same league as being able to face Corkey’s bowling! It’s not every week you get to face someone who will send down two or three boundary balls every over, guaranteed”.So it’s out with the old and in with the new with our new breed of younger, fitter, faster players, trouble is they are that young that they can’t even come in the club without their parents. The club has made great efforts to attract these young lads by giving the clubhouse a Wizard of Oz theme. I understand that the bar will be known as the “Emerald City” the club has bought some yellow paint (left from Macca and Rob’s paint job no-show) to line the route to Beldon Lane. I’ve been told that Karen has taken her role as Wicked Witch of the West far too seriously as she refuses to serve the munchkins after a match. Watch out Karen I’ve seen C. J. filling up a bucket of water.
The role of the scarecrow has obviously been well over-subscribed with a severe lack of academics at the club. The number of students took a major nosedive when our eldest artist, Rob Bourne, decided to jack in his art course after he blew all his student loan in a mad month of drinking, gambling and womanising. I asked him what he’d done with the rest of it, to which he replied,
”I just squandered it”.
The Cowardly Lion has to be Bob “ping, ping” Wood as he struts about showing his muscles to anybody who will look, especially the young impressionable lads, I’m sure they call that grooming. But just like the Lion, Bob let himself down in a recent match as he went to slot an opponent who was picking on one of our munchkins but sadly the lad had to receive hospital treatment to his injured ribs after he’d laughed so much.
Is ping, ping short for put ‘em up, put ‘em up?
Tin Man?
It has to be Andy Rose whose poor old broken heart needs replacing as his girlfriend lives it up, I mean studies hard in scouserland. I think she has squandered her student loan as well.
The Good Witch of the North is of course C. J.’s albino twin with his big bouffant hair-do. He’s been struggling recently playing into the wind. But with the breeze behind him he can speed downfield at a fair rate of knots. In fact I’d say he's probably faster with his main sail up than Belly’s caravan floats downstream.
With regard to Belly’s summer stranded in the Boscastle floods, some of the tales I’ve been hearing have Belly as some kind of James Bond character saving women, children, animals, you name it he’s apparently saved it! I think we might need some saving though as I fear we may have an arch villain in our midst, no not Richard Burton, but a true megalomaniac. Rob Greenwood showed his real colours in recent second team games as he “helped them out”. He’s a real all rounder, he does all the line-out jumping, takes all the kicks, makes all the tackles in fact I don’t know why anybody else bothered playing. I think he’d like it that way like the true Bond villain he thinks he is. But which one?
Dr. No?
Scaramanga?
Goldfinger?
Jaws?
Odd Job?
Mr. Big?
Nick Nack?
Their can be only one, Blofeld.
But even though he wants absolute power he needs a few henchmen and looking back through my Jimmy Bond DVD box set I think I’ve seen a few Wibsey players in a few villain roles down the years.
Nick Nack : Brad
Rosie Carver : C. J.
Goldfinger : Panda
Scaramanga : Bob Wood, Andy Rose & Belly (3 of the biggest tits I’ve ever seen)
Odd Job : We wish we had a player who looked like Odd Job
That ends this instalment of local news but I will keep my ear to the ground and when I hear anything I’ll add a few bits on and let you know.
Secret Squirrel
