He is acutely aware that one or two of the team are having problems with their Cobblers, no problem is to big or too small, so if you have something to get off your chest, Spit's your dog!
All clients will be given full anonymity, (honest, well that's what Spit told me to say) so there's no need to worry, for now. . . . . . . . . . . . . Spit is waiting.
Spit is currently on his travels, enjoying a well earned break in Washington, but he will be back to answer all your problems.
It appears that one or two seem to think that our Spit is a figment of an over active imagination. To put an end to such outrageous suggestions Spit has asked the following to be published:
Spit is a small, scruffy draught
exclusion operative, who lives in the top of the hall cupboard and has
to abseil down every time he wants to drag himself upstairs to the
boxes: (drag is an appropriate word, since his back feet stick out
sideways, and are only a hindrance).
He generally has to type with his nose - which is now quite calloused,
due to overuse, and woe betide the keyboard when he has a cold, as this
makes for a very snotty spacebar.
Spit attempts to crunch for
Predictor@home
, which has resulted in his suffering from severe depression: he is
currently under medication. His associates include Maurice the mouse who
shares his cupboard and wields the teaspoon when digging for Carolyn's
Clinic S@H1 and Seti@home teams; and HP the Hedge-pig who crunches for
TFFE Seti@home, and spends most of his time eating the unspeakable
things he finds under dead leaves in the garden.
Spit has a small shrine at the back of his cupboard to St. Jude; the
Patron Saint of Lost Causes.
Spit's hobbies include failing to understand the PCs; failing to set up
a network; failing to take backups; failing to follow half of what is
said on IRC; trying to accept that he will probably never learn Linux;
wondering if there is a God; and generally trying to be an all-up 'Good
Egg' - for the benefit of others who may be near suicidal from BOINC
deprivation. He also spends a lot of time cleaning left-over cheese from
his cupboard.
His ambition is to be able to fly a helicopter but, since his paws are
only two inches long this seems unlikely.
Although deeply traumatised by the suggestions, he is still there, nose to the keyboard answering your heart rending requests for help. Read on for his expert advice.
Dear Spit,
I am having trouble with my cobblers. I have no control over them.
Sometimes they are full but, more often these days, they are empty. This
leaves me feeling agitated and irrational. Sometimes I will sit for
hours trying to forcibly fill them. This occasionally works and at other
times leaves me with tears in my eyes, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Please help!
Anon.
Dear Laughingboy,
First of all, let me assure you that you are not alone: I have spoken to
several young men recently, who seem to be having exactly the same
problems. Rest assured - you will NOT go blind.
There are several quite reputable clinics in Harley Street, London, who
can investigate your problem thoroughly and, it is to be hoped, put your
mind at rest. (The examination IS invasive; may tickle somewhat; and you
may limp for a while; BUT, this is a small price to pay for peace of
mind.)
(If there is a Lady in your life, I would counsel her to 'tread
carefully': these things have a habit of flaring up.
Good luck to you -
Spit.
Dear Spit,
I have been worried for some time now, I noticed this in the kitchen,
the other day, while I was whisking up a stiff one.
My dumplings do not seem to have the same effect as they did in my
younger days.
Is there any way I could make them more appealing?
I hope you can help me.
Mrs Miggins.
Dear Mrs. Miggins,
Have you tried HRT?
Regards,
Spit
Dear Spit,
I have become aware that I have become the object of some unwelcome
attention. While polishing my dibber the other day, I heard a rustling
in the bushes. I found Nurse Rachette in a state of gay abandon, it
appears she has developed a crush on me. How do I tell her that I'm
betrothed to another without destroying her fragile state of mind?
Two Sheds Jackson.
Dear Two Sheds Jackson,
Firstly, if she is in a fragile state of mind, you MUST NOT disappoint
her... this could result in, "Total Unhingement".
Secondly, you must ask yourself, "Why is she in the bushes - is this a
GENUINE interest?":... she might have taken up an interest in shrubs, or
naturism. (Both healthy pursuits for mind and body).
Thirdly, it is always POSSIBLE that she finds your dibber irresistible:
...put it away! (Hide it in the onion patch)... an unsheathed dibber is
something which many women, (of a certain age), find highly arousing.)
As to the matter of your betrothal:- take things very gently... Nurse
Rachette may have decided that you are her last chance in life...
introduce her to LaughingBoy or, if you are in total desperation, to
Dogbytes... make her see that life IS possible without you.
(If she was indeed in a state of Gay abandon - there are several female
friends whom I could recommend: I hope this is not necessary, but it may
be the best thing for Rita)
Yours cordially,
Spit.
Dear Spit,
Whilst waiting for my cobblers to drop into my Boinc, my mind has been
wandering. I’ve spent many an hour, unhappily watching a little ‘B’ tell
me there’s no work, thinking about the great unanswered mysteries of
this planet. I’ve managed to answer most of them (it was Laughingboy on
the grassy knoll), but I’m stuck on a couple. Can you help with this
one:
Why is orange jam called marmalade?
Is there a good reason, or are we just being ponces?
Dave 'Fez' Parker
Dear Fez,
As any well-educated person knows, Orange marmalade is so-called to
distinguish it from Grapefruit marmalade.
On the continent, they call everything marmalade - and wonder why we
Brits. get mad when presented with some Greengage concoction for
breakfast.
(If you really want to know, it comes from the Portuguese "marmelada",
which is Quince, and what we originally used. Since it would look silly
to put "Orageada" on a jar of jam - we stuck with Orange marmalade
instead).
There are a huge number of recipes for marmalade - none of which have
ever worked for me: I either get a nice runny sauce to pour on
ice-cream, or something disgusting which you can stand a spoon up in.
Happy Jamming,
Spit
Dear Spit,
My Cobblers have disappeared, what can I do?
Some months ago, during a brief encounter at Carolyn's Clinic I was
distracted, but only for a second, by a haunting melody coming from the
examination room. When I regained my composure, to my horror I found
that my Cobblers had vanished, all 1800 of them. It's only now some 10
months later that I've been able to talk about it in public.
I have reason to believe that a woman was responsible for this dastardly
deed (at least I think it was) for as I turned to go back to my room I
was almost overcome by a sensuous perfume, the like I've never
experienced before. I fear she's holding my Cobblers in a safe place
until she decides what to do with them.
Are there any methods you could suggest I could use for their safe
return?
Yours' in anticipation...
Keith Stanley.
Dear Keith,
I have spent a great deal of time investigating your problem but, alas,
to no avail. I can only imagine that your cobblers have been deposited
in a Swiss Boinc Account using, as a key, an e-mail address to which you
cannot gain access.
Otherwise, the wearer of the sensuous perfume, may be into 'doing Good
Deeds' and has already dispersed your Cobblers: either to Sudan, or the
Salvation Army.
Alternatively, "Do you know of any members of the Philharmonic Orchestra
who seem to have recently gained a great deal of weight?"
I can only say - keep your pecker up; and keep away from Ladies of the
night.
Yours, sympathetically,
Spit
Dear Spit,
I have this collection of inside telephone numbers of various Boinc and
Predictor Developers. My problem is that I have this urge to post all of
them on the various Seti, Predictor, and Climate Boards. I am not under
a signed NDA, but it would make their miserable lives a greater misery
if I posted them. I figure this would be my way of sharing the grief
that I have been experiencing lately, in what appears to be a vain hope
of furthering science and research. But my computers are beginning to
hate me because of all the Boinc related torture that I'm putting them
through. What should I do? Please don't suggest I take a Valium, my
Doctor won't give me any; she says that I need de-worming.
Gaily yours,
Dogbytes aka The Alpha DOG
Dear Mr Bytes,
I feel I must counsel extreme caution in this matter. You may, indeed,
feel happier in yourself but, I fear your actions may prove to be
counter-productive, since valuable development time may be taken up in
the improvement of personal security by Berkeley Staff. You may also
lose the inestimable reputation which you have built up in your diligent
pursuit of Cobblers.
May I suggest instead, that you ring me personally and have a good
whine, dog to dog: at least we understand each other, and can share the
grief which others may not feel so severely as yourself.
Yours, with an affectionate sniff,
Spit
Dear Spit,
I’ve managed to find the stats for my old account at Seti. My trouble is
that the password I use for such things (and have used since the mid
90’s) isn’t recognised by the system. There is the safety net,
‘forgotten your password?’ button, but that involves Seti sending my
password to an email account that’s no longer active!
Is there any way to recover the credit for 3477 CPU hours of work, or am
I destined to look like a newbie for all eternity?
Dave 'Fez' Parker
Dear Spit,
I think I’ve got one of my cobblers stuck in my Boinc… It was one of the
first batch I received, but has not been sent back to the mothership.
It’s progress is 100% and has had a status of ‘ready to report’ for some
time.
Other work units have come and gone, but this one refuses to ‘phone
home’. I’ve tried doing the update thingy, but I can’t convince it to
move into the transfers window. Please help!
Dave 'Fez' Parker
Dear Fez,
I am afraid your questions are of a technical nature, and I probably
know a great deal less than you...
There are many tragic; nay hysterical; messages on the Seti boards from
people just as yourself who, having lost their email accounts, cannot
persuade the good folks at Berkeley that they are who they claim to be.
Is there any way you can resurrect your old email address; just for long
enough to log in to your old account and change the address to a new
one?
If not - what can I say? Nothing will bring them back - but you KNOW you
crunched them, and can at least take pride in that, ...despite the fact
that no-one else will.
As to your jammed cobbler, (sounds nice):- again this is a matter of
which I know little. These things usually heal themselves with time.
Try a little WD40.
Yours cordially,
Spit
Dear Spit,
To paraphrase an old saying, "Idle CPUs are the Devil's playground."
While waiting, and waiting, and waiting for Cobblers to drop into my
BOINC, I've busied myself in other intellectual pursuits. Among them,
I've discovered a method to reverse-engineer BOINC WUs in such a way
that they appear to be voice signals ... saying, "Surrender or DIE!" in
the obscure Calo dialect used by Portuguese gypsies.
Question - Does anyone at U.C. Berkeley speak Calo? Or, is it possible
my ruse may fool them ... and that future uploaded WUs modified in this
manner will fool them into thinking contact has been made? And in turn,
would they forward this contact to our National Security people, who,
after translation, would be fooled into thinking an alien invasion is
imminent?
THE CAT
Dear Cat,
I'm sorry to report that I have, myself, attempted to have a
conversation with a Portugese gentleman on the IRC channel: getting as
far as; Who are you; What are you asking; Sorry I don't speak Portugese...
Therefore - these people are OUT THERE, and Berkeley will rush to them
to find a Calo speaker, who will undoubtedly say, "What rubbish - the
syntax is incorrect and, anyway, Surrender is spelt wrong".
Also, I can't believe that your National Security people would be TOO
concerned at the threat of being invaded by Portugese Gypsies.
I suggest you turn your attention to New Guinea - which boasts more
languages than you can shake a stick at:- and not many PC's, so no-one
is likely to turn up on the boards.
Good Luck - I'm off to build my bomb shelter now...
Yours, in reverse,
Tips.
Dear Spit!
I have for a long time been one of your greatest fan, so I'll take this
opportunity to request a small bit of your immense wisdom.
I crunch well, my cobblers are fine, my WU's are coming and going, and
my credits are coming fluently, so I don't have anything to worry about.
Should I be worried about this?
I have, since I started to crunch, been with a family, where I wasn't
taken care of. I only crunched for their name, and I never got anything
from them, so even Cinderella looked like a spoiled child compared to my
situation there! Then I found out that I was a stepchild and I managed
to find my real family, where I was received with open arms. So now I'm
with my beloved family, happily crunching and everything looks good!
SETI-life is not bad at all! But should I be worried of not being
worried at all???
Dear Spit, please give me some comfort here in all my worries!!!
Your big fan,
Lena
Dear Lena,
We seem to share a similar background: I, too, started life in unhappy
circumstances and languished in idleness on a shelf in the King's Road,
Chelsea. The only highlights of my otherwise tedious days tended to
involve being pushed around by small children, accompanied by cries of,
"Here, Mum... come and look at this Really Stupid Dog". There I sat;
brain the size of a planet, (Pluto); with nothing to do except look at
my toes, and contemplate the salvation of Mankind. I was worried.
Then, one day, I was rescued by a tolerably nice couple and allowed to
live in their cupboard in Essex. When not doing duty as a draught
excluder, they let me have a go on their computer; although they were a
bit worried at what I might do, and got rather fed up with having to
clean the keyboard after prolonged spells of 'nose-typing'. I was
beginning to worry too: I had quietly loaded SETI and then BOINC and
began to realise that I might have unleashed a monster. When it was just
me, (and Maurice, my pet mouse), crunching SETI they didn't take too
much notice, but when BOINC came along they began to take an unhealthy
interest in my cobblers. She bought herself a laptop, so as to have a
clean keyboard. (Unkind!). Ancient computers started to appear in the
hall, to happy yells of, "Great! We've just been given another one".
(Worrying). She even bought Him a laptop for Christmas. (More worry).
THEN - they expected me to network the blinking things... ME!! Hmmph! I
lay awake in my cupboard worrying for nights on end: I worried people on
the Board; people in Forums; people by e-mail: and nearly worried Google
to death.
So - I finally get all these boxes whizzing or wheezing away, (depending
on age), and they say, "Hey Spit... why don't you rebuild the old ones?"
Now: I don't have a magnetic nose with interchangeable bits; don't know
my USB from my MOBO; and am deeply afraid that I may be expected to do a
spot of fan-dancing. I am worried... VERY worried.
I should think that you have fallen on your feet:- TFFE Balls tend to be
pretty big, and go on and on forever... so there will be no strokes at
midnight and you will not turn into a pumpkin. Your cobblers should
continue to rattle and roll; your credits will pile up; and your 'Worry
Units' will go quietly up and down in the background, so long as you
don't fiddle with them. Be Happy... Don't Worry !
(Leave that to me.)
Yours, worriedly
Spit.
Dear Spit,
Now you have the extended service of
general advice, there's something I want to ask your opinion about:
Upbringing children!
I'm sure you have a lot of experience in that field, as I think you have
bred up to several litters of puppies before you came to live with your
family, and even after (they haven't brought you to the vet having THAT
done to you, have they???), so I'm curious what you might have to say
about the best way to upbring children to be responsible, mature,
well-mannered adults?
Best regards
Fuzzy Hollynoodles
P.S. Feel free to correct my English, if it's broken here or there.
Dear Ms F. Hollynoodles,
Bringing up children is not much I know about; other than 'try to keep
both ends reasonably clean'.
Puppies, on the other paw, I know more about :-
1) Do not lie on them.
2) Only feed them if you feel like a good lie-down: or, when all else
fails.
3a) When in doubt; growl: 3b) when infuriated; nip: 3c) when all else
fails; grasp firmly by scruff of neck, shake hard and growl at same
time.
4) In desperation, deposit at bottom of deep hole, or put in cage, and
refuse to feed until they behave. Do not feed before repeating step 3c)
above.
5) Teach early the meaning of the word, "NO!" (by repeating step 3c)
above).
6) Teach early that all small humans, (and kittens, and caged birds),
can be allowed to do exactly what they please.
7) Teach to wait until fed... especially, do not steal from Humans or
Cats... retribution will surely follow!
8) Learn ASAP to beg; smile; roll over and play dead; and look appealing
with big soppy eyes.
9) Never snarl - unless asked to.
10) Be NICE to Postmen and other Delivery People... (when in full view:
otherwise do whatever you can get away with).
11) Defend your family with your life.... otherwise, where will the next
meal come from?
12) Be careful with sexual liaisons... fur colour and general appearance
can be a dead-giveaway!
Hope these tips help... your methods may vary :)
Yours, paternally,
Spit.
Dear Spit,
In your extended service apart from
your agony column, you ask people to write and ask for your advise. So
I'm doing this.
You see, it's my birthday next week, and I haven't come up with an idea
of what to give myself for my birthday present. I usually give myself
good presents, as no one else does, f.ex. last Christmas I got The Lord
of the Rings, The return of the King, the extended DVD, coming with a
figure of Minas Tirith, (I'm sure Hammy will approve my choice!), and
some other things I'd wished for, but this time my imagination is
totally blank!
So, do you have some suggestions for my birthday present for myself?
With thanks
Fuzzy
Dear Fuzzy,
Well, in my opinion, you can't beat a good marrowbone, or a replacement
Frisbee, (mine's getting a little frayed round the edges).
However, that's
probably not the sort of thing you're looking for... So:-
1) The Joy of Socks, (complete with line drawings).
2) Nanny Ogg's Cookbook
3) Kevlar Body Armour
4) RAM - the more, the merrier... (you can have fun with one, but two or
more are better)
5) Self-defence - for Dummies
6) BOINC - for Dummies
7) Bonk - for Experts
8) A good day out on eBay, and hang the expense
9) A can of hair-straightener
I could go on, but I'm not sure where your interests lie.... email me
again with further details, if you like?
Happy Birthday,
Spit.
Dear Spit,
I am overwhelmed by large amounts of "Mumble here and your brain will
melt" work units, which makes reaching my deadlines for all projects
very difficult. Can you give me advice on what I can do about this?
At present I am crunching 7 BOINC projects on my 486, it would always
reach deadlines, but something has changed and I cannot put my finger on
it.
Maybe that you, with your infinite wisdom, can straighten my path of
enlightenment.
Ageless.
Dear Grasshopper,
Confucious he say, "Man who tries to crunch 7 BOINC projects on a 486 is
a 'sirry iriot'.
That having been said and, my not being either a technical person or a
Confucion, I can only suggest that you lower your 'connect to server
time' to something REALLY low... like between 0.1 and 0.5 per day: this
means that BOINC realises when things cannot be done in the time, and so
doesn't try to DL too much work. The hush project seems to be a bit of
an idiot in this respect....
There is also a complicated thread, which my tiny brain cannot begin to
understand, about setting Bounds. I think it's on the CPDN board... but
I could well be wrong, (as usual).
Either way... just rake your stone garden, and meditate a bit.... (or
kick the cat; or - if you dare - Holly).
Have a nice cup of tea with yak butter....
Yours; orientally,
Lobsang Spit
Dear Spit,
I have a question on bath mat etiquette. My wife and I have regular
arguments over the correct use of the bath mat and I'm afraid you are
our
last hope.
I believe that the bath mat is there to be stepped on as soon as you
finish
in the bath/shower and then start towelling off, leaving the mat wet
from
where the water has dripped off you and run down your legs. My beloved
believes that you should towel off in the bath/shower (after turning the
water off of course) and then stepping on to the bath mat leaving it
nice
and dry. We have had quite heated arguments / dissagreements over it,
but I
just cannot see her logic. HELP!
Your friend downunder,
Paul (TheGasGiant).
Dear TGG,
I'm sorry to say that, in my case, a jolly good shake is all that is
required so, bath mat or not, the water goes EVERYWHERE!
From personal experience, I can report that exactly the same argument
seems
to prevail in this house - I think it must be a 'sex thing'; in the same
way
as men always put their sweaters on differently from women.
If you like standing on a nice, dry bath mat then you must always be
sure to
let your beloved have the first bath: otherwise, adopt the
towel-off-first
method: how hard can it be? To be even kinder, you can then throw your
towel over the bath mat, before finally stepping out to dry your feet.
If I were your wife, I would hide the bathmat! (You can breed a lot of
germs in a damp bathmat!)
Yours hygienically,
Spit
Dear Spit!
Because I lately came across an issue raised by a very narrow minded
person, I want to ask for your opinion on relationships between people
where the age difference is substantially bigger than usual.
I think you as a young dog may have had relationships with dogs of your
parents generation, and later with young dogs who has been puppies, when
you were in your prime! Did you see any problems in this and what might
they have been, if there was any?
If you are mating with a young puppy or young dog, would that be any
different than when you are mating a dog of your own age or a dog of the
age of your parents? Of course, mating a younger dog, it must be strange
to know that you were around and mating others when your mate wasn't
even born yet, and the opposite, that your mate is on about the same age
as your parent dogs??
So, Spit, please share with us your experience and wisdom about this?!
Regards
Ms Noodles
Dear Ms Noodles,
I can't apologise enough for the delay in this reply: I was only
reminded when my Pixie started jumping up and down, and then stuck out
it's tongue and started sulking.....
As a general principle, the answer is perfectly straightforward.....
1) When you are young - older is better;
2) The older you get - younger is better;
3) Same age can be boring;
4) When all else fails, anything will do...
Personally, I have tried all four: currently on 2) and very happy with
it.
(Of course, we Dogs have no problems with moral codes - so no need to
worry there, then.)
Cordially Yours, (Older but happier, and still going strong),
Spit
Dear Spit
While being chained to a shopping trolley at the weekend and while my
other half did the shopping I became alarmed on the discovery in a
Bakers shop that bakers are selling Cobblers. Having read that Keith had
lost 1800. I wondered. Is there someone out there with the truth?
because I've been told that the truth is out there.
Is someone stealing Cobblers to sell? Or are they being bred in
captivity and then being sold in the shops for illicit purposes? or
worse Is someone out there buying Cobblers to experiment on?
Since then I have discovered that Cobblers can even be obtained at
Supermarkets.
I am worried that if this trend continues in the future we may have a
world shortage of Cobblers. (Maybe BOINC could create a programme to
forecast the possible extinction of Cobblers?) Please put my mind at
rest because recently I have considered the idea of a starting a 'Save
our Cobblers Campaign' before its too late.
Yours worse for wear
Dill the Dog
Awaiting Spits' response.
Dear Spit,
I don't really have a BOINC related question to submit to you right now,
but I am quite curious as to how you acquired the given name of "Spit"?
And do you have a surname by chance, and if so may I ask what it is?
Sincerely yours,
nevermorestr "the genealogy nosy guy"
Awaiting Spits' response.
Dear Spit
I have a problem, well my boyfriend says i have, he said i need to seek
medical advice because it is not healthy for a young lady to enjoy
crunching cobbles as much as i do. He says he is really worried, well i
should be the one that's worried, he has taken up a dangerous sport, and
i only found out when we had a fight about me crunching cobbles, he said
it is almost like a fetish. Well i asked him to show me his helmet and
he refused, telling me that it is tucked away inside a box to keep it
safe. well i take pride in the way i look, and i want my man to look
good too, and he has a wonderful smile, so being the good girl i am, i
think he should let me polish his helmet and put a smile on his face, so
he feels good about himself, and worries less about my cobble crunching.
i mean fetish? maybe OCD but not fetish surely.
any tips how to solve my fetish? or how to get him to allow me to polish
his helmet? I though of waiting till he was in the shower but he locks
the door and has the box and his helmet in there with him, now who's got
OCD.
Samantha Pia
Awaiting Spits' response.
