Humour

Page 1

Other pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 7

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!

About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.

Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Alzheimer's disease.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you ten dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

It appears, that from nowhere, a bad case of the limericks has been diagnosed in The Final Front Ear, all visitors are asked to take extra precautions as a result. The management cannot be held liable for any lasting after effects after being exposed to such an extreme case.

There once was a lad from Brighton,
Whose feelings of doctors was frightened,
After seeing old Doc 'iggins,
Nurse Olga and aide Miggins.
His fear of checkups was heightened.

 A Nurse who's Good body was ample
Always cured by first taking a sample.
She thrust Bill a bottle,
Saying, "step on the throttle".
Bill said, "Nah: you just lead by example".

Ample Goodbody, (Our Nurse)
Keeps the tools of her trade in her purse...
With no time to wheedle
She just whips out her needle...
And the victim departs in a hearse.

Our Ample Nurse has a good body;
(though some of its bits are quite shoddy)
She cures us by fright,
Doing 'things' in the night
Which remind us of Big Ears and Noddy...

There was a young canine called Spit,
Who kept us enthralled with his wit,
His posts were amusing,
Often bemusing,
So much so he was told to, "Spit,sit!"

There was a young fellow from Oldham,
Whose Cobblers were old and so lonesome,
He got into a fight,
To keem them locked tight,
So no one in Oldham could 'old 'em.

A team called Front Ear were with Seti,
Some thought they were looking for Yeti,
They went searching at night,
And got such a fright,
That now they just sit on the settee.

Newsflash:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon on the
outskirts of Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered
326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

A young lad from Lancashire, Oldham, I think,  became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.

Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl. "Wow," he exclaimed, "I’m sure glad to see you!"

Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?" "Almost four years, I think" he replied. She said "Well, I’m going to give you something you haven’t had in a long time, and I’m sure you have missed."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

Front Ear Classified

Female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says to him, "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Right, we've all had at least one. That's got you thinking, a begging letter from some obscure person promising millions if you'd only help them. Well someone had the bright idea of having a competition to find the  best.

Well, here it is, don't say you fell for it. . . .I can see now why you're with the Final Front Ear. . . help is at hand. . . .

If you want to see more go to www.nysconsumer.gov.

First Prize -- Most Outrageous

From: Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)
Plot 555 Misau Street
PMB 437 Garki, Abuja, FCT
NIGERIA

Dear Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a
later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access this trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account for subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct
number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Bakare Tunde

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As
he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange contents,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist asking about
it. Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
Pointing to the bowl.

Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through Fortitude
Valley a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent the spread of disease. "And you know............ I haven't had a cold
all winter."

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there,

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come... about 5:00."

 
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.

 
"More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

 
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

 "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
 

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?" God explained that to Adam as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and all the couples drowned. Soon, they're standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates to be judged.

The first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

St. Peter waved sadly, and poof, down the chute to Hell they went. Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and down the chute went the Methodists. The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."

One Monday morning, a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, Bob the homeowner is coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

 "Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the postman comments.

Bob replies, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'"

The postman says, "How do you play that?"

Bob continues, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The postman laughs and says, "I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name was guessed four or five times."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.

Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."

Thanks to Bill Price for this, I thought I'd share it with you.

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First   Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second  The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third  Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth  When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth   You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth   I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh  One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth   One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth   Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth   Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally   If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Here's a Public Health Warning courtesy of Lugnut

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

 
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

 
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

 
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

 
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it
hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here it hurts, and if I
touch my foot here, it hurts."

And the Doctor says, "I know what the problem is. You've broken your finger."

           Scary!           

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
 

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

 
"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

 
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

 
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
 

Bill goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission.

So off Bill goes to his car and looks around for a tie. He discovers that he just doesn't have one, although he does see a set of jumper cables in his trunk.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

 
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
 

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tyre, somewhere in North Dakota."