Dear DR Q - I am very concerned and confused .... I have recently learnt that dark haired people, as they get older, get grey hair and blonde haired people get white hair.......

Quincey - Ginger old mate, pink would seem the logical explanation.

Dear Dr Q - Does anybody know where I can get a batman outfit in a man's size ? and how can I cure my fear of heights?

Dear Dr Q - Is psychedelia in the eye of the beholder or is it all in my mind?

Quincey - ....it actually does really exist, etched on the kitchen blinds of the mantric thirteenth floor consiousness that we all know as "Utopia Villas" Marbella

Dear Dr Q - PP syndrome innocents may be victim to the afflictions below but their primary predicament is being tormented by NPP (Non Perfect Pitch) or, worse still, WTPP (Wishful Thinking PP) sufferers who are a breed unto themselves. These unfortunates are usually easily spotted by the coats they wear, (often an ill-fitting ladies coat that wouldn't be out of place in a 70's Kaye's Catalogue) and their inalienable right to have the last word.

Please, please, please Dr Q, what an earth can be done?

Quincey - Ah yes, you're suffering a very common complaint known as the " Heard it all before Syndrome", may I suggest a bit of retail therapy, perhaps.... a load of Gucci Gear to cheer yourself up.
Dear Dr Q - Extensive tests have been conclusive and the results have just been published , proving that anyone with perfect pitch is also allergic to household pets.

Quincey - Well perfect pitch isn't all it's cracked up to be, I wonder if pp sufferers are also victims to psychiological dissorders such as "falling asleep mid conversation" or "wearing the same green shirt over and over again syndrome" ?

Dear Dr Q - I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? And I
awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Quincey - TATH'S ATOSLUBE BLOCLKOS !!

Dear Dr Q - For Sale. 1 Cobweb. Would suit corner of garage. No spider hence 50p. Apply Mr Loony, The Lorraine Kelly memorial Abbatoir, 3 The Chafings, Swansea, India. So there!!

Quincey - Can you deliver?

Dear Dr Q - Got some new software but I've got a few technical probs Can you help ?

I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any ideas?

Quincey - Ditch your computer, buy a Harley Davidson and go round the world
Dear Dr Q - I have a friend with cronic dandruff....should I tell him ?
Quincey - NO !! but you could tell us who he is ?
Dear Dr Q - ????????? Quincey - !!!!**!!
Dear Dr Q - My husband is troubled by a strange and worrying addiction. They say the first step to recovery is admitting that you are an addict, which he does quite freely, but doesn't see it as a problem. I caught him at it again last night, crouching in front of the computer. I was hoping he was looking at porn, but alas, he was looking at mellotrons again. He was diagnosed with mellotron syndrome just after his seventh birthday, it is not life threatening yet (unless his wife has to listen to him playing the intro to Strawberry fields for the 4876th time). He is finding it increasingly difficult to go 24 hours without a fix either listening to albums that contain mellotrons or looking at them on the Internet. What should I do to help his recovery? Mrs Pomeroy
Quincey - One of my colleagues at the "Institute of Mellotronoma Disorders" in Sweden, Dr Weismuller has been studying this syndrome for many years now, with some rather worrying results I 'm afraid. Sufferers start to indulge in this fantasy innocently enough at first, but it can develop into the much more serious 2nd phase known as "The 7 Second Syndrome" ,whereby just like the mellotron itself, the patient can only think or speak in 7 second bursts at a time. May I suggest that you look for indication of this, by asking him tricky questions that require long answers. Diagnosis is particularly hard with bass players as they are usually monosyllabic by nature. You may find he has already reached phase 3 of the disorder, in which case you will notice that when threatened or irritated, his tape will simply snap. Only two cases like this have ever been recorded, and I'm afraid that in both of those examples, the patients became totally institutionalized. Dr Weismuller in a recent report has claimed that with "Mellotron Deprivation Therapy" (MDT), it is possible eventually to reintroduce them back into society, be it only partially. Please don't hesitate to contact the institute to arrange an examination drweis@instituteforsadpeople.com Failing that try putting a gigantic magnet next to his mellotron.
Dear Dr Q - My friend has a medical condition that makes him think he's always right. Is there a tonic or do I simply have to have him put down?
Quincey - Ah well....euthanasia is illegal in this country, I think you'll find I'm right, .....Yes, definitely I am right, it is illegal. As for your friend always thinking he's right, well rightly or wrongly, he could simply be.... "always right", have you thought about that? and if I'm right, as I usually am, as for a tonic for said condition I've always found a gin and tonic goes RIGHT to the heart of the problem. Perhaps you could right this wrong by buying him one to say sorry for accusing him of always being wrong, right!
Dear Dr Q - My mother embarrasses me at Tar Babies gigs. Is there an age limit for fans ? Quincey - Not in a million years
Dear Dr Q - Is it true that all guitarist go to heaven?
Quincey - Sorry joolz only the good ones go there..........
Dear Dr Q - I'm in a sixties band and the rhythm section keep on picking on me.....what should I do?
Quincey - Well you have to make them know who's boss, it may be that they were bullied at school or perhaps they're in awe of you as they are merely peripheral players on a slow train bound for bedlam.
Dear Dr Q - I've become more and more depressed lately as all my partner ever wants to do is to "watch". I don't mind trying new things for him 'cos I love him but it makes me feel dirty and cheep. And now he says he wants to "watch" The Tar Babies every weekend! Is this the end of our relationship or should I indulge his fantasies even more?
Quincey - I'm afraid you'll have to satisfy his needs if you want to keep him. There are worse things he could ask of you....perhaps take a friend with you.

HELPLINE

Dr Quincey Sensual has a Ph.D. in

absolutely nothing.....but he once saw The Grateful Dead live.

Heed his advice at your own risk