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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best
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A pastor was paying a visit to an elderly lady in her home when her phone rang and she went into the next room to answer it. As he was sitting there he noticed a glass candy dish full of roasted peanuts, and he ate a couple of them. The lady stayed in the phone quite awhile, so the pastor grapped a handful, thinking that she wouldn't notice. They were so good that he couldn't stop eating them, and when she finally finished her phone conversation he had eaten the entire dish of them. When the elderly returned to the room, the pastor embarassingly explained that he liked roasted peanut so well that he couldn't stop eating them and he had eaten the whole dish full before he realized it. After he finished his apology, the lady chuckled and said "That's ok, my jaws are so weak nowadays that it's all I can do to suck the chocolate off of them.
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What happened to the man who put his condom on the wrong way round?
He went!Little jimmy ran up to his mummy in despair and asked
"Mummy, is it bad to have a willy?"
his mother replied "No son"
Jimmy looked at her and said "So why is daddy upstairs trying to pull his off then?!" What's the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip. Q? why do they put a cock on top of a church steeple?
A! If they put a c*** up there the wind would blow straight through it! How many Freudian analysists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the breasts... I mean ladder. Two television aerials got married. The wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant! Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. Just looking.' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I think it's Colin."
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