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Sunglasses: The Horrible Truth
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I was intrigued, one Sunday morning, by an article I had found in the magazine ‘Burberry hats and where to shove them’. The article was called ‘The horrible truth behind sunglasses’. I read that ‘Leading biologist Fred’ (no surname, just Fred) had some interesting theories on a government conspiracy.
I looked him up and found that he did have a surname, Ghapanalofonagymyr. I decided that I would phone him up (and call him Fred) and ask him about his ideas.
Fred was very excited by my call (though he tried to hide his excitement by whistling the Chinese national anthem for the duration of the phone call). He agreed to see me and gave me directions to his house with the warning ‘Look out for my Mum. You’ll know who she is, she’s the one who isn’t me’.
I followed the directions I had written down on the back of my hand, unfortunately, I was not reading the directions, just following my hand. When I got to Beachy Head I realised my error and briskly walked back to my house where I started again.
This time I had more luck and I found his house without a problem. The door was already wide open so I stepped inside. I called out ‘Fred’ at the top of my voice but there was no answer. I called out his surname but got cramp in my tongue while trying to pronounce it. I stood watching the dark hallway until the cramp had subsided.
I walked into a room where sat an old lady with yellowing teeth. She was rocking back and forth on an annoyed looking turtle. She looked at me as I approached and said in a horse whisper ‘nay’. She followed that by saying ‘I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘where can I find a mangle?’ yes, I see how you’re mind works. You would take all of the mangles and put them in a stew, thinking nothing of me and my wet socks.’ This took me by surprise; I had in fact been wondering where she had purchased the anvil, which she gracefully wore round her neck.
‘Watermelon’ someone shouted. I looked round in surprise and saw Fred walking on his hands up the path towards me ‘Sorry to spring that on you’ he said as I tried in vain to think of an adequate reply. (I don’t mean by this that Fred was actually upside down vertically walking on his hands, he was in fact doubled over, bum in the air with his hands under his shoes.)
‘New shoes?’ I asked
‘Yes, don’t want to wear the soles out, you know how it is.’
Fred was still whistling the Chinese national anthem, a fact I wasn’t too surprised about. It is a very long national anthem and it’s one of those catchy ones, so, once you have started, it is very difficult to stop.
I looked over my shoulder at the old lady with the fetching neck attire.
‘That’s Mum. I hope she didn’t disturb you. She keeps talking about mangles, that and her late husband who died of extra-kneecaps disease. Apparently his death caused much distress. People kept tripping over him.’
The old lady excitedly shouted at the top of her voice “I’ve found a mangle”. Her face fell as on closer inspection it turned out to be an orange and her socks were still dripping wet an hour later.
After a long pause Fred clapped his hands together and said ‘right, lets get down to business.
We talked for hours, or should I say ‘he talked’. I just played with a rare collection of Teletubbies action figures (the same as the ones on TV but with guns and blood packs) and occasionally took notes.
I found that Fred is convinced that sunglasses dictate our behaviour. ‘Look at the facts’ he says, ‘in the summer we often feel hot, thirsty and irate. This is not due to heat. This is because sunglasses send signals to our brain via a hi-tech system put into the sunglasses by the government.’ I looked up; Lala had just been shot by Tinky-winky, leaving Lala and the gold bullion to sink to the bottom of the ocean (see note). Fred continued ‘the signals make us feel hot, angry and make us perspire. This makes us feel thirsty. The government does this to make us buy alcohol. In the summer, the government also put chemicals in alcohol to make us thirsty and make us drink even more alcohol. They do this to make us so drunk that we forget to buy newspapers and are too drunk to watch the news. This means that we don’t know what is in the news every summer. For example, do you remember when Tony Blair and George W. Bush ran through LA with their pants on their heads?
‘Well no’ I replied.
‘There you are then.’ Said Fred smugly.
The old lady ran into the room and shouted at the top of her voice “I’ve found a mangle”. Her face fell as she lifted her socks it turned out to be a packet of crisps. She clutched the now salty socks and left the room whimpering.
After another long silence (during which Lala returned from the dead and drowned) Fred said ‘I also believe that sunglasses are the causes of sunburn and appetite loss’
‘Really?’ I said, interested for the first time that day.
‘Yes, but I don’t know why or how.’
With that I stood up and told him what a boring waste of time he was and stormed out.
As I left, the old lady excitedly shouted at the top of her voice “I’ve found a mangle”. Her face lit up as it turned out to be a tumble dryer. She opened the door and flung her socks inside. She moved the dial and sat back on the turtle, safe in the knowledge that she would soon have some garments for her cold, cold feet.
(Note. This is of course a game I was playing. I would not dream of suggesting that Tinky-winky, Lala or indeed any of the Teletubbies would ever shoot each other or steal gold bullion in a raid on neighbouring ships. Also, I am not implying that Lala is Jesus. Lala just happened to return from the dead in a similar way.)
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