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Teenage Sleeping Patterns
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Teenagers commonly oversleep and they get moaned at and consequently wet themselves.
We usually put this down to laziness but Greek mythology disagrees.
Doz, the Greek god of sleep and knitting (he got two jobs as the original god of knitting, Thimbos, abdicated on a one-legged donkey with a limp and was never seen again. It was assumed by Zeus that Thimbos had been eaten by a hungry pack of toilet paper.) Is said to control sleeping patterns for the main groups. These are babies, children, teenagers and adults.
It is said in the book ‘Know your bathtub with award winning plate spinner Alan Martin’, a book about Greek mythology and those salads with just vegetables (who eats them?) that Doz was a very bitter god and hated his mortal wife for running off with his child and spare hammock. He got his revenge by making babies sleep 14 hours a day, but no more than three hours at a time, therefore ensuring that his mortal wife would be guaranteed to be woken up every night. Also, he made babies breathe fire once every time they wake up. This is why you should never wake a sleeping baby and accounts for why they cry when they wake up. They have usually just burned their top lip.
Next he decided to make children sleep for 13 hours a day. They would wake up naturally at 8:00; however, he had not taken into account how far the children would live from school, so they were always woken at 7:30. This made the children very annoyed every morning. This is true of every weekday. However, at weekends, children wake up between 5 and 6:00. This is so they can keep up to date with current affairs by reading teletext on the BBC or get good at noughts and crosses by studying the picture of the girl with the chalkboard (who was that girl? Is there a story there? Don’t worry I’m on the case and I’ll have a solution soon).
The next group was teenage sleeping patterns. This is the most interesting of them all. Doz had left this to the last minute and it is said that it was quite rushed. According to the book ‘Where am I, what’s my name, why are you writing down everything I say’ by I Dunno, Doz was a keen skier. He would often take to the slopes in the Alps, armed with two skis and a map of an off-licence in Chatham. On these trips he would often forget to reset his watch and one time, when he was deciding what hours to give teenagers to sleep he had reset his watch incorrectly. In a quite hilarious farce he made teenagers sleep for 12 hours a day, but from 2:00 am to 2:00 pm, this resulted in oversleeping, and worry, which is the real cause of acne. For this calamity, Doz was sacked and Zeus’ imaginary friend Ronald took his place.
Ronald did a good job and managed to create quite healthy sleeping patterns for adults. He kept the job until his abdication on a one-legged donkey with a limp and was never seen again. It was assumed by Zeus that Ronald, like Thimbos, had been eaten by a hungry pack of toilet paper. Doz was re-instated but, as there was nothing much else to do, he had a nap.
From Thimbos we got the word thimble, as he is said to protect anyone who is sewing or knitting.
From Doz we got the words doze and dozy, as he is famous for sleeping until someone in the room makes a noise, at which point he would say ‘eh... what-the… Oh yea’ and go back to sleep.
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