Subject: Politically Correct
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (new 2003 version)
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10.She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11.She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10.He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
April 26, 2003 >>Subject: School Answering Machine
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>The following is an answering machine message for the Pacific
>>Palisades
>>>>>High School in California. The school and teachers were being sued
>by
>>>>>parents who wanted their children's failing grades changed to
>passing
>>>>>grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during
the
>>>>>semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their
>>classes.
>>>>>This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual
>answering
>>>>>machine message for the school:
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
>>school.
>>>>>In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member,
please
>>>>>listen to all your options before making a selection:
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To complain about what we do - Press 3
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To swear at staff members - Press 4
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
>>your
>>>>>newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 ~~~
>>>>>If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>To complain about school lunches - Press 0
>>>>>~~~
>>>>>If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
>>>>>accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
>>homework,
>>>>>and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child(ren)'s lack
of
>>>>>effort, hang up and have a nice day!"
>>>>
Fwd:Life Explained
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you what me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 years and I'll give back the other 40."
and God agreed...
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking, give me 10 years and I'll give back the other 10."
So God agreed (sigh)
On the third day God created the monkey, God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years?! I don't think so! The dog gave you back 10, I'll do that too..."
And God agreed again
On the fourth day God created man, God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you 20 years."
The man said, "What? Only 20 years? Tell you what; I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back and the 10 the dog gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back, that makes 80. OK?"
"OK" said God....
So that is why for the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing, for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family, for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren and for the last 10 years we sit in front of the house and bark at everyone!