Thank you Johnlight for the serious
sharing and the comical note. Many cat lovers will love you today lolol.
This past Saturday, I got tired of sitting here and took a drive out to the
lodge.
Sitting in the soft chairs, I found my neighbor-lady visiting with a couple who
I found out was from North Glenn, a suburb of Denver. I ordered my 7-up
and sat and asked a few questions after learning their names.
There is something inside of me that allows others to openly talk of their
issues, without being pressured or questioned, and this was again one time where
the strangers became instant friends to me. The man in question was
dealing with facing another roto-rooter procedure on his heart as the one they
did in Feb. of this year had already clogged again. He has never had open
heart and is a diseil mechanic who lifts heavy loads to fix tractor trailer
trucks.
He was anxious of what lied ahead as far as what he could do, let alone get over
being angry at his body causing him problems at the young age of 54.
He stated that he had been under a lot of pressure with his wife having a stroke
a few months back and now his falling apart seemed like a death sentence.
She then interjected that they had fought a week back and she was unsure of the
person she had lived with for over 36 years.
I listened to each of them talk of how their lives had changed and sip their
drinks of burbon and water and finally started talking back to them both.
I recall saying things like get a grip here, it is not the end of the world.
Why do you both blame others for being angry at your own bodies? Why
do you try to shove the only love in your lives away when you need to start
talking instead of burrowing your head in misery that you feel you can't deal
with? In other words, life is what it is, and you need to get on with it
and stop the BS.
At the end of the hour and a half I talked to them, the wife, Nancy hugged me
and said I don't know where you came from, but I thank you from the bottom of my
heart for not only voicing my fears but making him talk. He reached his
hand across the table and said 'I know this next week, I will be okay.'
They left to go across the street with my warning that booze will not help him
with his fight against heart disease, but he knows how lucky he is.
His procedure was yesterday and I sent her an email to ask of his well being.
Today I got an email back thanking me for my help and saying after his three
hour ordeal, he will be coming home today and is doing very well with it all.
I know the trials are not over for either of them, but they will walk kindly to
each other from here on.
I questioned earlier my writing and sharing it with all of you, whether it was
right or wrong to use people here as an example of how their toils are stopping
them from being more. In many ways, it means if you know me or email me,
then you are taking a chance that your issues may well be shared or looked upon
by others, and crituqued in some cases. I do not blatently try to harm
anyone with the sharing and for most of you except Spencer, you are just another
name without a sign. Spencer has the master list I send these emails to
only in case of something unforseen happening to me to let you know.
I trust Spencer and know that he will never misuse this list or his knowledge of
what I say or do online, and after him having the list for over 4 years too, I
think you should trust him also.
Kim, the lady I told you about was given my writings long ago, but when I
checked the status I found that 90% of my messages she deletes. I realized
that instead of taking it personally, some refuse to have good thoughts and she
is one of them. I see her often and at times she wishes my sole attention
to repeat the messages that I have typed over and over in rooms, emails, and any
way I can reach her without giving her my phone number. I have tried for
over three years to be an inspiration to her and give her the faith she needs in
herself to live and continue with her doctorate degree, but at some point I have
to move on and work with those who truly will listen and hear what I am telling
them. I know I will not be here forever. She will not understand
that my message is about her and assume it is of another person and tsk tsk her
reading of it all, because she is that type of person who ignores her own
personal needs to choose to be in constant misery. There is not one person
online or in real life that will do your life for you.
I talk of people that have touched me in my life. Sometimes I write of
them because I love them, and if you reading it can add to my helping them, then
it makes this world just a little bit easier to live in. I don't help
anyone for gain of money or fame. I help them because I don't wish for
them to ever be alone when life knocks at their door and causes them pain.
The result of my touching someone is it adds to my life and hopefully to theirs.
My gain is their confidence they can live with anything and learn to love
themselves again.
I figure it this way, I was chosen to have these diseases so that I could help
others with it and show them how to get along with it rather than become so
discouraged that they wish to die before their time. The man in the lodge
wanted to die if he could not go back and earn a living lifting heavy weights
again or do his job un-well. He either wanted his body perfect or to get
the hell out of town. He had to see his wife meant more to him than any
job, or I know he would have not made it through the procedure yesterday.
I showed him there was an alternative to dying and I am grateful it
worked. I am sad that the lady will never listen to me, but I have to draw
lines as to where my time is spent from here on.
I write to free issues from me. Sometimes it is to understand how my own
mind works, sometimes it is to validate that what I do to help others has
meaning, sometimes it is to share fears, joys, and caring. The writings
are not basically for you, they are for me. I know that part of my heart
disease was caused by me holding all of me inside with no outlet. Some of
my statments might seem arrogant, rude, caustic, or hit you in right and wrong
ways. I learned long ago I cannot please anyone. I am me, Peggy Foos
though and most days I think that is okay to be me. I am not sent to this
earth to please everyone though for that type of doormat only collects dirt
until you find a breeze will not allow it to move anywhere.
I am sure that my son Steve gulped knowing his picture was on my website let
alone my words about him and his partner Niki. I am also sure Kim that
your husband and his letter to me was a tad shocked sharing it with the world,
but in essence if I do not let others know that we all have the same fears,
reactions, and kindness in love we will never believe that we personally will
find it unless it is proven to us each day. I don't want to make my
writings an example to anyone unless everyone gets past their egos and realises
that we are all in the same boat. I suggest if you write to me and do not
wish it shared then you should just tell me, as I am not that horrid a person to
do what YOU do not wish me to do.
I help people in real life and online. That is what I am good at mostly,
but I do fail at times. I never go easy with my failures though on me,
because I know that each person reading it has the same malady. If I beat
me enough though,
I will realise that there are those out there that will remind me that the
beatings should stop, and that is why I share my writings. I am not
perfect and each comment to me to be more, see more, and find compassion even in
the midst of nothing, finds me again trying to judge whether my writings should
even exist.
I don't care about fame. You will never know the times I have asked
Spencer to take me off WWW. He refuses to listen to me though when I
doubt me, so it will stay there and be added to each month as he gets my
writings and you get the same. Good or bad, the key is though that my own
family will realise how I express myself and what I do beyond the usual mini
talks that we have in their busy lives. My grandchildren will know me and
as they grow up they will learn to tsk tsk me or consider those words important
to them. I share my life on here with those I love and each of you is a
part of that love forever.
I am not always happy nor always sad, but my writings show me. I am just
me and trying to be the best person I can. I want to have friends and not
feel alone. Everything I give to you is what I wish back ten fold.
For each fear you overcome, I only ask that you help others to do what I do.
That is my reward.
That is my goal, that is my life.
Have a great Wednesday everyone. Much love to you today.
Sincerely,
Peggy Foos