I
think at times we all fall into several catagories of what we respond to, what
fits our ideals, what compromises our days, but seldom do we wish to voice our
actual needs for fear that the voice falls upon deaf ears.
I have been in hibernation for the past few days, trying to keep me from
worrying 24/7 about things out of my control anymore. Now that Gene has
quit taking his one blood pressure pill and his pressure has returned to near
normal, he is less needing of watching as he is truly enjoying this new lease on
life and all it holds for him.
Having gone through the past month on the defense of any action that might
interfere with his well being I find it rather mundane to just go back to life
as usal here lolol. Yeah that sort of makes me a nerd I know, but when you
are used to a great deal of pressure, having that pressure leave you is somewhat
of a let down and you think you have to measure each action, each motion to see
what is next. It is like slapping a cat long enough that when you walk by
him he jumps anticipating your slap even though you have found it no longer need
be done.
At times I wish my mind would not go to the analysis point on any subject.
It would be nice to say oh, and what do you make of that huh? and let others
guide me rather than to step forth and try to prevent crashes before they come.
The last few days I have felt rather raw, wanting to hide from life and just at
times find the tears falling down for no good reason. I think it would be
better at times to just have the ability to let things out of me rather than
deal with them when they suddenly appear.
I am not the only person who feels they are untouched by life and what is around
you and often advise those who are in this situation that it is okay to be just
them and fall apart. The problem lies when I feel that I do not have to be
human though and wear those same qualities that define being human.
As most say about me though, I over analyze life and mostly over do me each day
to find resolutions to others in the same shoes.
The last time I truly allowed me to cry uncontrollably was when I was given the
news that I would have to have open heart surgery. It was the one time
that no one could stop them or console me on any level. I chased my
mother, the doctor, the nurses, and Gene from the room when I heard the news and
would not allow anyone near me for three hours that day.
My actions shocked me let alone those near me as it was sooooooo un-Peggy like
that it surprised each of them. But after those few hours and one box of
kleenex, I set my mind in action and went ahead with what had to be life's
decisions and walked on with no other break in my shell.
Even burying my parents never brought about tears or losing control, for each
incident I found the eyes looking to me for leadership covered any fears inside
of me that I could not do it.
I think though that right now I am at a cross road of discovery with me.
I blocked last night and went into a room to visit with friends and ended up
helping a few for a couple of hours, finding that I could not hold back from
doing that. With that action though it helped me to go easy with me and
not be so critical of what I truly needed from here on.
I went for my quarterly check up today. Dr. Zenk was happy to see me first
person out of the shoot knowing that I would make his day with my healthy
status, but also the fact that during this past month he was worried how I would
take the stress. He saw that I lost two pounds (well hell I must have hid
them in the closet, cause it ain't making that big of a difference right now
lolol.) My blood pressure was spot on with 120 over 80 and my tude was
just fine. We talked of a time about Gene as he had not been informed at
all of what he went through etc. and I made it clear I was not in a very
receptive mood as to the treatment our heart Dr. had provided, but at the end of
my speech he said well Peggy, you will have to repeat the same words to him.
I realized then that I was indeed chewing the wrong thigh out today and relaxed
and said you are right.
He said now lets deal with you okay? lolol to that I said yeah okay you wish to
know my secrets huh?
He said well, you should quit smoking and I said yeah I know it but that would
leave me on only having 12 bad habits instead of 13. He laughed and said
oh you have that many? I said sure don't you? He then said well how
are you doing with poking your finger? I said huh? (perked the
intelligence right up huh? lolol) He said well you are diabetic you know.
I said oh? okay lolol so what does that mean. He said well you have to get
one of them machines to tell you what you sugar level is with it. I said
oh okay well I will think on it for a bit and he laughed and looked at me and
said I have never seen anyone like you. I screwed up my innocent dumb gray
headed blonde look and say huh? He said do you ever accept being something
that others tell you you are? I said well prolly not. To that he
said okay go see dracula and I will call you with the results when they come in.
I thanked him and said well will see you in another four months and let you know
if I am sick or something. To that he laughed and said okay fine, take
good care of you.
So, here is how I will look at being diabetic. If it makes me dizzy it
will go along with the rest of my drugs that do that, but who in their right
mind would go and poke their finger each day to know whether you feel well or
not? If I get that machine I would rely on it rather than me telling me
that I am either feeling okay or not that day. He is not going to put me
on medication and feels that if I get off my lazy keester and walk a few blocks
and eat right it might all be a figment of my chemists imagination so I will
leave it at that for now.
I do not make a good puppet. All those near me that wish to pull my
strings find many knots in them. If you tug me hard enough I might be
defensive or hide, or I might attack, but is that not what life calls for you to
do at odd times when all is seemingly okay?
I do not watch a lot of TV here because I am stubborn enough to not wish to be
too influenced by media let alone what comes to me in life. It is not
being unaffected, it is just not allowing others to make you react the way they
wish you to be. It is defiance or what most would consider a rebel.
Now I am not totally stupid here, I know that I would have a hard time getting
back on a regular bicycle without crashing into the road, but the more
influenced you are in life, the more in latter years you tend to not be swayed
no matter the pleas. Some call it senility, or inablity to be converted,
fear of learning something new, or being in that status. I consider myself
back wood Bertha at times lolol. Unless I am enticed to learn something
different about the way I view things in life, I ignore it.
I used to be a person who could not accept sexual preference of others as norm.
Like most of the world it was a sin and abhoration of mankind that same sex
would like same sex.
But the true facts are this. Both sexes are brought up to appreciate each
member of that sex throughout their young years. Girls never go to the
bathroom alone, nor do guys ever partake of sports without the familiarity of
each other naked or dressed. The mannerisms are tuned for each sex and
respect accordingly.
I met my first lesbian back in the 70's. I was finishing up my BA degree
in English and Music when in one of my classes a young girl asked me over to her
apartment for coffee and to help her with her class studies. I went
because she was a nice young lady and I did wish all in my class to succeed in
life. We got through our studies and she dropped to her knees then and
saId I know you are married but I love you. I was stunned at her openness
and was not sure what to do with it all.
I sat for a time and said please get up and sit beside me so we can talk a bit.
I then told her I was very happy with my marriage and I appreciated that she
would consider loving me but I was sure that I could never love any female the
same way as I did a man. I told her that she was a lovely person inside
and out and I thanked her for the nicest compliment I had ever been given but
that I hoped our friendship would not be hurt by my saying no. She smiled
at me then with tears in her eyes and said no it is okay, but I want you to know
that you are a very special person.
I went home a bit later that night and asked why it had all happened. Was
there a signal that I had given her to say that I might be that different?
Was it me or was it just her? Eventually I came to accept the words I had
told her, that it was okay to like her as a person and love her as a human
being, but there were things in me that were not like that even though I admired
the truthful stance with it all.
I formed new opinions from that day on. I found that it really does not
matter what others choose in their lives to be normal or abstract, it only
mattered that I was true to my feelings and did not take any offense at any
proposal in life. I know it is hard for me to be direct and attack any
person let alone attack them for what they believe to be their own personal
values. We measure others by treatment not only to themselves but
treatment of those near them and those not near them.
We can't hate others that we truly do not know or try to understand. If we
are that blind then someone should just be the cat that has been trained by
slapping and wake them up. I don't care if your sexual preference is same
sex, no sex, alien sex, it is how you treat me that truly matters. What
you do in your personal life is your business, and as long as you are okay with
it, why would I not be?
If you can love others unconditionally and know that in each person there lies a
part of you, then maybe you will treat all with the same respect that you wish
returned on many levels.
Shadow has learned that I am not the most stable puppet here and if he follows
too closely, he might get stepped on. He makes allowances for me and my
actions as he knows in his heart that at times my mind is sitting in my easy
chair when my butt has not left the kitchen lololol. We all need to be
more like shadow and not wear the bias given by other and go a bit easier on us.
I know that one day my crying fit will come and at the end of it I will soak the
tears and say okay now you can do this again when you have to. I don't
always have to do things alone in life, even if my fear of being lead the wrong
way jumps in. I don't have to be gay to define what I love about anyone, I
just have to say it is okay.
I don't have to cherish problems ahead, I just have to survive them.
Bet your a bit sad I am back to writing huh? lolol Oh well, it is the way of the
back door Bertha wooooooohoooooooo.
Much love to all tonight,
Peggy