"Of
course the mind can rationalize
fighting back... but the heart, the heart would
never understand.
Then you would be divided in yourself,
the heart and the mind,
and the war would be inside you."
This
comment by the Dalai Lama, via John Martz, was in reference to his comments
about why he did not get into a war with China. I thought the second half
though was a good explanation of why we react and wear what we do each day of
our lives.
If we are affected by certain instances in life, we wear it on the outside and
tear apart our insides examining why we care, or why it denotes injustices
within us, testing each pebble until we decide how our responses will be
effective and resolution that we can live with.
I am a person who cannot let sleeping dogs just lie there and feel content
because I did not act. So the Zen of the moment to be in complete harmony
with all the exterior and interior is a dance that I go in and out of
constantly. Seeing and hearing is like the drop of rain into the lake, you
see its sparkle as it free falls, feel the pressure as it slides neatly into the
water below, and watch the ripples the action promoted.
I would like to at times be like the Dalia Lama, and be content to let the world
flow by and observe rather than react, but that perfection eludes me as long as
I find others that needs help coming close to that harmony.
During all this chaos I find that I need to redirect me right now, to find in my
mind another show that I have promised to do in September. Another avenue
to give a message to the small world that I at times influence, another set of
people that will convey the message and another test to the sincerity of life.
Gene came home Tuesday night and said here, and gave me an envelope. In
the envelope were two checks from the Moose Lodge, one from the
administrator/board and one from the Legion of the Moose. I have tried
lately to ignore our finances and knew I had enough to get us through most of
this next month, but also knew that we would owe a few thousand for all of the
medical over and above what our insurance will pay. I still do not have
the final total, but the one bill from the hospital here showed 19,240.00.
Of which I am sure we will have to pay the thousand deductible and go from there
what is covered 100% and what is covered 80% and what is not covered at all.
I have not received any bills yet from Denver, but I am sure there will be costs
there also that we have to pay.
Part of the problem with healing is the ever constant pressure of knowing that
without his working, we will not be able to keep all of this together, but so
far our efforts to making sure all our creditors get paid has always worked out
for them and us even if we are in debt. We both know we were not meant to
be rich, because rich is a state of mind rather than having things at our
fingers disposal.
As usual, I was afraid to react to this gift. Not because it was not
welcome, but I keep thinking that others need it worse than we do. Gene
said he thought about signing them and donating them right back for that has
always been our twin roles to give to those in need rather than keep any that
might help us through. We put the money in our account though and will
figure out a way to give it back to them in deeds, and eventually they will get
it back triple from what they gave. It is their thoughts that matter the
most to us anyway.
You cannot be graceful unless you find harmony within you to accept what is.
Once inside it is a war that you either ajust to and consider that giving and
receiving are the balance of it all.
Gene is doing well, most days. His meds have his BP very low so he is
having dizzy spells at times and headaches but hopefully he will be back in the
swing once his body decides to go with the meds that are keeping his heart slow
to afford healing. He is under pressure to 'sell' cars and try to build up
what we need to try and pay some bills, but that is a life struggle for him
right now that has to be. We are considering selling our home to make it
easier for him to not have to work so hard to make it each month and hopefully
down the line we will be able to figure out what is possible and feasible to
make it. The point is though that our struggle is no less than any right
now, and the reason I share it is to let you know that we are all mostly in the
same boat in life. It surely is not to ask for financial help etc. cause
that is not how we live nor will it ever be.
I came from money and as a result I know that money does not afford happiness.
That inner war was setteld long ago for me. It is not the quantity of life
that matters but the fact that you can live it.
I will never attain total peace within me, nor reach the highest level of
buddahism, so put that swami head wrap away for now lolol. I can't not be
involved in life and each facet of it, nor cannot I hibernate for a lifetime.
One of my releases is to create and I will start wrapping up my mind on that
creation now to toss the extra energy that I have each day into action. I
also know I have been somewhat absent on here lately, so I will try to be back
to being a bucket mouth again and showing myself to be sort of normal again.
The sun is shining in Greeley today and even if the cool wind tries to quench
the warmth, it is still there above the breeze.
God Bless,
Peggy