This page, and indeed this site, is dedicated to the most wonderful person I have ever had the honour to know. My Nan Nan.
Beatrice, or Nan Nan Beaty as she is known to her Grand children and Great Grand children, has been the one great influence on my life. She is the most genuine, kindest, sweetest, bravest, most loving and loved person I have ever known. She is the reason I'm still here today. She has always been there for me, and I believe she always will be.
I'm not a religious person, but I truly believe she is my guardian angel. I can't count the number of times she has dragged me back from the depths of despair, the times she has helped me out when I've been struggling (and I've had some pretty bad times!), and the times she has stuck by me, even when she probably knew I was wrong.
They say that older people are closer to God. My Nan has the kind of insight that makes me believe that. She knows or senses things that the cleverest of people wouldn't know.
At 80 years old (81 in December) she is still strong and fit, and has all her faculties and wits about her. She still works! She gets up at 5am to travel to the other side of Sheffield!
Early last month she was diagnosed with both bone and lung cancer. I was so devastated that I couldn't speak. My Nan, only concerned for others as usual, made it her job to get everybody's Xmas presents in early to avoid disappointing anyone. That's the kind of person she is. The Best!
To date (December 2002) she is still in high spirits, and doesn't look ill in the slightest. If anybody in the world can beat this, my Nan can. She is my Hero.
If I could make a deal with God, I would gladly let him take me instead.
Love you forever Nan Nan.
Update Jan 06 2003
Took Nan to hospital. She has pain in her leg, but the Doctor said this was treatable. Will be taking her to Weston Park in 3 weeks to start Radio Therapy. The best news, which was as much as I dare wish for, is that her chest x-ray shows no change.
She is still in high spirits, although she has slowed down a little - she walks slower than me now - which at 81 you would kind of expect. Other than that she is still the same person I have always known. Positive thought can beat this, and my nan is full of positive thought and positive energy.
Update April 15 2003
Nan was rushed in to hospital this morning with chest pains. Went to see her straight from work. Karl & Debs were there. She looks quite poorly, but seemed to brighten up after a while.
I can't help but think she puts on a brave face for me, to save me worrying. She always seems to brighten up whenever she sees me. I hope it's because she is just happy to see me, but I know she would try to hide any pain she was in just to stop me from hurting.
She is talking about maybe coming home tomorrow. I really hope so. I've told her we will go to the seaside as soon as she is better and play on the amusements again. My Nan is just one of those magic people that I guess most people are not even lucky enough to ever know - I could spend all day with her and never get bored, spend ages talking with her without ever running out of things to say. She is the only member of my family who I can be myself with. We can relate to each other on any level.
I know she will pull through this time, cos I've prayed to whatever's out there for another summer with her, but it's so hard to see her ill. That sounds selfish, but I'm really not cut out to go it alone just yet. I never will be. The thought that hurt & loneliness more terrible than anything I have ever known could be just around the corner would scare me senseless if I dare even contemplate it.
May 9th 2003
My Nan has been in Kersall Mount nursing home for about 2 weeks now. She was allowed home for a day but was ill so had to go straight back in.
I went to see her last week and she seemed ok, apart from the odd twinge of pain. I got a text today from my mother saying she (Nan) had had a fall and would I go to see her, as my Mother lives in Skegness and couldn't get over.
I sat with her for about an hour. She was under a lot of pain killers, but still in a lot of pain. I haven't got the words to describe how useless I felt. Useless and numb. She didnt even know I was there. I wanted her to sit up and talk to me, but knew even if that happened, that she would be in a lot of pain. Her eyes were rolled back in her head, although she managed a few words, and I sat her up and gave her a drink, which came straight back up.
I hope that its mostly concussion, and that the next time I see her she will be well again, but even as I sit here typing this, I'm wondering if the sense of unreality that I'm feeling stems from the realization that I may have already said my last meaningfull words to her. My last glimmer of hope seems to be fading - I just want her not to hurt anymore.
June 7th 2003
Nan Nan Beaty passed away on 26th May at 2.30pm. Debbie and my sister Donna were with her, they were playing Vera Lynn songs to her. The last time I spoke to her was in hospital, her last words to me were "tata love". She seemed to have aged 20 years. The week before that we spoke once we were alone. She was in less pain, but confused. She wasn't supposed to wake up as she had had a lot of morphine, but I decided to sit with her and reminisce. She woke up and didnt know who I was. That was hard. After about 20 minutes she said my name and I was so relieved it was hard not to cry.
After awhile she suddenly held my hand and started to cry, staring straight at me. I calmed her down, and promised her we would go to the seaside as soon as she was out. I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen. Then she said that she just wanted to be around to see us all settled, in other words she wanted to go only when she knew I was going to be happy and secure with a wife or girlfriend. I spent ages convincing her that I was ok, and it was sometimes a blessing that I was alone, that I could handle things on my own, and am self sufficient, and far from unhappy.
I thought I had reassured her, although something that happened on the day she died made me think differently. (another story).
Yesterday, Friday 6th June, Nan Nan was cremated at Hutcliffe Wood crematorium. The ceremony was a very moving experience. My sister Donna got up and made a speach, it was one of the most moving moments I have ever known - she was fantastic. It was nice to see my Mam & Dad and Karl, as well as my Sister.
To date I can't understand how I am managing to handle this so well. I just keep thinking how my Nan would feel if I was unhappy, so I'm trying not to let it affect me too much. The phone rang this morning around 7am, and my first thoughts were "I bet that's my Nan calling to tell me she has made me a pie or something". Even when I realised that it wasn't I still smiled and thought of all the times she had called me early morning to tell me something like that.
The dark moments come when I realise that she's never going to call me again.
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As a footnote to this - some of my friends have said they will pray for her/me. If you are reading this and thinking the same, then save your prayers. You would be wiser to pray instead for the next person(s) of any religious ilk, that turn up on my doorstep and try to convince me that there is a benevolent God. It will be interesting at first to hear their explanation as to why the most wonderful person in the world, who had never hurt anyone, and who's heart was only full of love and care, had to die slowly and painfully of something that she had been frightened of as long as I had known her.
I'll then impose some of my beliefs on them. Lets hope for their sake that the God of speedy ambulances is watching over them.
XXXXXX
