I CAN’T HELP IT
Written and performed by Lily Von Crud
Music by R Lilley
I am just an ordinary hard working man
Doing the best I can
But I really must admit I am not perfect
I do have a small problem
Find myself
Slipping on a sequinned cocktail dress
A pair of French knickers all sticky and wet
Around the ankles go the manacles
Whipped with freshly cut nettles
I can’t help it
I have tried everything from psychiatric help
Through to “perverts anonymous”
But when I am alone the temptation
It gets a little too much
Find myself
Slipping on assorted lingerie
Getting out the rubber accessories
Beat my private parts with a crowbar
Slam them in a car door
I can’t help it
Can’t help slipping on a rubber mackintosh
No clothes on underneath
Can’t help exposing myself
To old ladies on Hampstead Heath
Can’t help prancing up and down
In front of a full length mirror
Dressed in a nappy
Scraping my testicles
With a cheese grater
Cover me in sellotape and bite my bum
Rip it off quickly while dressed as a nun
Scorch my buttocks with a red hot poker
Stimulate my anus with a vacuum cleaner
Write your name on my flesh with a cigarette
Paint me green and blue use me as a toilet
Draw a moustache on my underpants
Place my erection in a nest of ants
Find myself
Having sex with myself
I cannot help it