A farm-hand was out checking fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the farm for advice.
"The pig is stuck in the bulbar and is still alive but kicking and squealing so much I can't get it free" he said.
"Okay," said the farmer. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farm-hand called in again: " I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on.
"Why not?" Asked the farmer. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch"............
A man dies & appears at The Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?. Have you exhibited
courage?", St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a
group of Bikers who were bothering a young woman.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
approached the largest and meanest looking one. I smacked him
on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it
on the ground, and told him, 'Now get out of here."
St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a few minutes ago."
From: Jack InjuredBiker.com
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
Staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next
door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He
went into the pub, where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness
and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a
plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put
it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk
and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting
more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the
Sausage in the third pub."
