I've been married for 12 long years
Last night I went out for beers
Had to come back cos I forgot my keys
But all I found were my greatest fears

My wife was in bed with a 2 foot dwarf-Aaargh

CHORUS
Chase that dwarf, I think he went north
He got in his mini and I got in my Porsche
Gun him down, kick his ass, pummel his face,
Chase that dwarf, chase that dwarf

I walked in the room and under the cover
Was the dwarf and my wife the dwarf lover
Yelled at them both one after another
I've only had an affair with her mother

My wife was in bed, my wife was in bed, my wife was in bed with a 2 foot dwarf! x4

Farming used to be so great
Until some youths smashed down my gate
Injected my sheep with nasty drugs
And turned them into hardened thugs

CHORUS
Crazy Sheep, Crazy Sheep
Running around like crazy sheep
Crazy Sheep, Crazy Sheep
Zooming around like crazy sheep

One bent my tractor
So I cried and then I smacked her
One peed on my chicken feed
So I opened it's mouth and I crammed in weed

I used to be a portal
I travelled to many worlds
I wasn't mortal
I was a portal
My dad was on Star Trek
On episode 56
He wasn't mortal
He was a portal

CHORUS
At the speed of light, the light shines bright
But where to go, left or right
When you can go wherever you choose
Try putting yourself in my shoes

Travelling throught the universe
Along at Warp Speed 7
Then I hit an asteroid
Now I'm in Portal Heaven
Warp Speed 9 Mr Sulu
Get me back to earth
I want a decent funeral
I deserve a decent birth

Lyrics by Aidan Batey
Song by 24 Yards